The 5-Day DIY Cleanse is Back (with daily updates)

Things have gotten pretty indulgent around here, so it’s time to clean up my act! Follow my daily updates as I try to improve my diet and habits for better energy, smarts and sex appeal. Scroll down to see the latest update.

Liam is going to Ireland for a week today—to see his family and attend a college reunion—so I’m going to use this time home alone to reset. I’ve been doing a lot of celebrating, with Emma and Kevin’s wonderful wedding and some fun travel. We’re wrapping up our time in Chicago as we head down to Florida in a couple weeks. So this week is a perfect opportunity for me to get ready for a whole new season.

Here’s the plan, slightly modified from my similar cleanse two years ago. The main change is allowing more coffee!

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• Eliminate: Sugar, alcohol, red meat, processed carbs, dairy and sodas (i.e. Diet Coke).
• Reduce: Screen time and caffeine (2 cups coffee max).
• Increase: Reading ( at least 1 hour/day), writing, self-care and hopefully, sleep!

I’m not trying to lose weight, just shift some patterns so I feel more rested, energized and positive. I’m starting today and I’ll continue through Friday. Five days feels ambitious enough, without being overly punitive. And who knows, maybe this could become a regular weekday routine?

Blogging about this cleanse will keep me accountable, so please help me out and follow along. I’ve already got my friend Patty along for part of the ride—she’s omitting sugar! I’ll update this post daily. See you tomorrow!

Day One: A Fresh Start

I brought a lot of enthusiasm to the first day of my cleanse, and pretty much followed all my self-imposed rules. No cream in my two cups of coffee, no mini-muffin to accompany it. I had some plain oatmeal with berries for breakfast and, although it tasted like sand, I didn’t complain. I met my friend Patty for a walk on Montrose Beach and lunch at The Dock, a cool beachfront hangout. This part of the lakefront was new to me and it’s gorgeous and unbelievably, has tons of free parking! I ordered fish tacos with corn tortillas (more on this below) and a sparkling water with lemon. I skipped the chips. Patty agreed to join me for the no-sugar part of the week, yay!

I had a busy afternoon with dog walk, life coaching class and errands. As I was driving home around 5pm I got seriously hungry. I’m not trying to skimp on calories so I was kind of mad at myself about it. I had a little pack of peanuts in the car, and nibbled on a few before realizing they were honey roasted, which meant full of sugar. Argh, sugar is in everything!

Back home I prepared a very healthy meal of salmon, asparagus and a brown rice/quinoa blend. I poured water into a wine glass and toasted my successful first day before settling in on the couch to read. Ta-dah!

The only thing I’m confused about is which carbs are processed enough to be considered off limits. I know white bread, pasta and baked goods are off the table. But what about my beloved Triscuits and corn tortillas? Both have whole grains and only a few ingredients. My google searches seem to agree that Triscuits aren’t the worst, but still a snack food. Ugh, this is going to be a hard one but I’ll add them to the “no” column. Corn tortillas will stay!

Day Two: Bo-ring!

A day without treats is a long, dull, meaningless slog. Okay, I’m being dramatic, but after two full days without sweets, salty snacks, peppy beverages and cheese I realize how much I use these things to entertain and reward myself. Yesterday wasn’t very fun, and I felt deprived.

I’m also trying to reduce screen time (Netflix and News), so that’s more entertainment that’s off limits. And Liam is out of town. So yesterday I was cranky and bored. I’m telling myself that’s a good thing, because eventually I’ll find creative, healthy, inspired ways to amuse myself. Right? I have read almost a whole book in just two days. That’s something. I’m also taking leisurely walks with Phoebe and soaking up this Chicago Indian Summer glory before it fades away.

My goal for today is stop being such a whiney toddler and find new ways to treat myself that don’t involve eating or drinking. I have other senses to explore!

Day Three: Hanging in There

Day three was a mixed bag. I stuck to the plan and I tried to get over my “treat” mentality by dazzling my other senses. I put on an outfit that made me feel great and walked over to the Museum of Contemporary Art and feasted my eyes on some weird and wonderful artwork that really got me thinking. I lit candles in the evening and listened to a calming playlist while reading my Kindle and sipping a cup of nurturing herbal tea. I listened to a relaxing meditation at bedtime to help me fall asleep. I also ate a lot more food yesterday. I think part of the reason I’ve been feeling a little cranky and deprived is that I’ve been lightening up the calories which is not my goal. I made a really hearty lentil/chicken sausage/kale soup that has been nicely satisfying, and discovered that pistachio nuts are a very yummy snack.

But, other than finishing a book in three days, I haven’t experienced any great benefits from this cleanse so far. I’m not sleeping better, I don’t feel more energized, I’m not crushing it on the tennis court. I’d hoped to experience some change after 3 days, or gain some important self-realization. But nope. I feel just the same, just a little more on edge.

I spoke to my husband on the phone and I told him I was cleansing like a champ but not feeling any differently. He asked, “What do you think you’ll learn from this?” And I said, “I may learn I’m the type of person who doesn’t think healthy eating is worth it!” He laughed, I laughed. We’ll see how it goes.

Did you know that some people actually eat/drink/behave according to my extremely challenging “cleanse” all the time? I told a couple of my tennis friends about my monumental sacrifices and they basically shrugged, unimpressed. I’m like a teenager raging about three days without muffins and french fries, while my pals have quietly been improving their consumption habits for decades. They’re so clean, they have nothing left to give up.

But I gotta start where I am. At least I’m over the hump and onto Day 4.

Day Four: Rebellious Thoughts

I’m sick of thinking about my body. It needs constant attention—what to put in it, what comes out of it, how it looks, how it’s aging, how it should move, what maintaining and monitoring and upgrading is due. Yesterday, the fourth day of my cleanse, I had my annual gyno exam and mammogram. After my womanly bits were inspected, probed, scanned and squished, I felt very aware of my female physical self, a mix of pride and vulnerability. Driving home in traffic, thinking about all the foods I had to avoid at dinner, a radical thought crept into my mind,

What if I simply accept my body, just as it is, and enjoy it?

Women have been taught that their body is a problem that needs to be controlled or fixed. For most of my adult life, I dealt with the message, “You’re fat and unattractive and it’s all your fault.” In my 50s I finally vanquished that toxic thought, only to discover a new one lying in wait, “You’re old and going to die and it’s all your fault.”

As we get older, there’s a whole industry of wellness and self care and drugs and protocols that threatens, You better do what we say, lady, or else you’ll die an ugly, painful death which is completely preventable!

By doing this cleanse, am I buying into that shit?

I guess this my long-winded way of saying, I don’t like monitoring everything I eat or drink. It sucks the joy and spark from my life. I don’t want to live to be 100 if it means I can’t eat delicious food and live it up along the way. I’m going to die one way or another, so I might as well celebrate the good life while I can.

But I did I stick to the plan. Mostly because I want to uphold the commitment I made to myself. And after all this contemplation, I’ve made one important conclusion. At least there is guacamole.

And one more day to go.

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Day Five: TGIF!

On the last day of this cleanse, I woke up at 5am, drank my black coffee, ate a banana, walked Phoebe around the park in the dark and headed to take my daughter’s 7am Pure Barre Old Town class a couple blocks away. This was a very ambitious morning for me, and I’m glad I took it on. Emma did a great job leading a packed class (and her bewildered mom) in a seamless series of exercises that seemed simple but definitely were not. Barre is full of small, specific moves that don’t look like a ton of effort but definitely hit the spot. Anyway, it was fun to see her in action and I felt energized from the class.

I came home and made some veggie tacos, topped with salsa and my soul soothing guacamole. Then I headed to the tennis courts and played two hours of mixed doubles in 80 degree heat. This weather is just amazing. By the time I got home, I was pooped. But I made myself a healthy salad, did some writing and chatted with my husband in Ireland.

About 4pm, my mood took a dive. Facing another evening on my own without any of my usual forms of comfort seemed unbearably drab. It was Friday night after all! I decided to shake off the blahs with a walk around my beloved South Pond, which always cheers me up. As I walked, I checked in with myself. I wasn’t craving anything in particular. I didn’t need a cookie or a cheeseburger or a margarita. It’s just that cutting out so many things all at once made me feel deprived. I sat on a bench and looked over the water and decided I had cleansed enough. After 4.7 days I officially called it quits.

I still had a healthy dinner. But after eating, I cued up “The Hunting Wives” on Netflix (that show is cray-cray!) and had a nice big glass of wine. After a half hour reading in bed, I feel into the yummiest sleep of the week.

I did not cheat. This was not a slip or a failure in willpower. I chose to wrap it up a little sooner than planned. And because it’s my damn cleanse and I’m a full grown woman I can do whatever I want!

And now we’re all caught up! Thanks for following along with me this week, it’s definitely kept me motivated knowing I would report in each day. I’m going to write a separate post about my takeaways from the experience. I do want to build healthier habits! But as you can see from my daily lamenting, cleansing is not really sustainable for me.

Final Thoughts on the Cleanse—Not My Thing

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