5 Things I Learned as Mother of the Bride (so far)

Greetings! After a break, I’m back and ready to share my thoughts about life as a full grown woman, and now, as a Mother of the Bride (MOB)! Yes, my darling daughter Emma got engaged this summer, to her high school sweetheart, Kevin. They’ve been dating for 11 years, so nobody was too surprised by this development, but both families are thrilled. Especially me! As soon as the ring was on Emma’s finger I was ready to launch into wedding planning mode.

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Not to brag, but I know a thing or two about weddings. In 2019 I had a freelance gig as the Editor of Modern Luxury’s NS (North Shore) Weddings issue. During those three months I was immersed with all things related to Chicago weddings—venues, event design, catering, photography, florals, gowns. I reviewed over 100 gorgeous online wedding album submissions and I began to develop my own opinions about what was original, inspiring and print-worthy. Here’s the cover of the magazine I edited:

Imagine my excitement about having a wedding of my own to plan! Um, I mean to help my daughter and her fiancé plan.

You know who wasn’t eager to dive into wedding plans? Emma. She just wanted to relax and enjoy the fun of being engaged. Come on, really? She told me quite firmly to back off. Disgruntled (and somewhat intimidated by her newfound assertiveness) I had no choice but to retreat. I poured all my excitement into googling MOB dresses until she came to her senses six weeks later.

Now planning is fully underway, and, although we’re nine months from the big day, I’ve already learned some valuable (and humbling) lessons as MOB that I’d like to share. For sure, editing a magazine about weddings does not prepare you for everything that’s required to throw one.

#1: It’s not my wedding. Of course I know that the wedding is about celebrating the love and commitment of the couple. But in the beginning, I kinda treated the occasion as if it were my event, assuming Emma would be aligned with all my brilliant ideas. Nope. Emma had very clear vision about the type of wedding she and Kevin wanted and it was nothing like I’d pictured. Emma is an advertising Art Director and she had a fully developed mood board depicting a swanky, dramatic soiree. My notions of wildflowers blowing romantically in the breeze were clearly not a fit, which is A-OK because (repeat to self) it’s not my wedding.

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2. It costs way more than you think. Buckle up, weddings are expensive. Here’s my scientific budgeting method: think up a totally absurd amount to spend on a wedding. One that would surely cover every possible detail of a fabulous celebration. Great, now double it. Voila, this is the budget. If this ridiculous amount is wildly beyond your means, it’s best for everyone to know upfront. The couple may have to come up with a non-traditional format, invite fewer guests, or find other sources of funds to cover the affair. But it’s important to understand the costs of a wedding and to be specific about the amount you will contribute, because….

3. The budget resolves all disputes. I love the budget! It’s the best tool to eliminate stress and keep things on track. First, it helps the couple prioritize the things that are really important to them. For example, Emma and Kevin want a live band, so they’re cutting back on decor and skipping the videographer. Second, we parents don’t have to decide or mediate anything. If the bride and groom want a donut wall, a horse-drawn carriage or a disco ball—the budget rules. Some parents are so eager to stay out of these types of decisions they simply hand over a lump sum in the beginning and retreat. Other parents pay as they go. Regardless, I feel the budget is a MOB’s best friend. It’s an objective guide for every decision and prevents silly squabbles.

4. Cultivate a “whatever” attitude. This is my most crucial piece of advice. Unless something is of the utmost of importance to you (you forgot to invite Grandma!), it’s best not to have strong opinions. Don’t get your feelings hurt, provoke petty arguments or make demands. Let it go. Accept that your daughter’s wedding may be nothing like yours was. Let the engaged couple lead the way and be flexible, helpful and positive. This is one of life’s happiest events and you want to keep the planning as stress-free as possible. As MOB, you have the opportunity to set a generous, relaxed tone for the whole process. And don’t forget….

5. It’s all so special! Planning a wedding can be really delightful. I loved spending time with Emma and Kevin, touring cool event spaces with views of Chicago I’d never seen before. Hearing them talk over the different variables gave me a sneak peek into their relationship and what they value and how they make decisions together. And dress shopping with Emma was such a girly, memorable, mother-daughter experience.

Checking out venues is a cool way to see Chicago:

And wedding dress shopping is the best!

With the date, venue, band and photographer booked, things are pretty quiet on the wedding planning front right now. But once we get closer to the date I’m sure there will be new challenges and surprises to negotiate. I know many of you are experienced MOBs and MOGs , and I’d sure like to hear your advice. It’s a precious time and I don’t want to screw it up!