A New Perspective From an Old Stay-at-Home Mom

In his recent commencement speech at Benedictine College, 28-year-old Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker told graduates that, despite their education and career goals, women should find their real purpose through marriage and children. After all, said the conservative Catholic, “My beautiful wife, Isabelle, would be the first to say that her life truly started when she began living her vocation as a wife and as a mother.“

My first reaction was a skin-crawling sense of ick. Then I had to consider—based on the choices I made—was there some validity to the kicker’s words? When I was 34, I had a business degree, a flourishing career and a big income. I left it behind to stay home with my two little kids. It wasn’t what I had planned on doing. Twenty-seven years later, I’ve been reflecting on the value and experience of being a stay-at-home mom. Here are some of my conclusions.

Being able to stay home full time is a privilege. When I quit my job I was making as much money as my husband. Luckily, we could get by on Liam’s salary. Most couples can’t afford to have a spouse stay home full time, even if they would love to. For roughly 75% of couples with kids, both parents work. Not to mention single parents. Hey, providing financial support is good parenting. I was lucky to be able to have the choice to take time off.

Kids do shake up your priorities. I never imagined myself being a full-time mom. Both Liam and I had demanding jobs that required a lot of travel. We managed pretty well after Nick was born, but when Emma came along three years later, things started unraveling. Liam and I shared the parenting, but I was the one who felt conflicted. We lived far from family and didn’t have any local support. I was exhausted and strung out and felt like I was failing at both parenting and my job. How could I always be the first person to leave the office and the last parent to pick up her kids from daycare?

The travel put me over the edge. I ended up writing Liam a letter from the Pittsburgh airport. I hadn’t seen him in four days and we’d done a haphazard handoff with the kids in the dark early that morning. “This isn’t working,” I wrote. “I’m miserable. I want to quit my job for a while.” Liam was willing to come up with other childcare solutions, but there was no way my hard driving Irish immigrant hubby was going to stop working. We agreed I should to give it a try.

I didn’t stop working because motherhood was my dream vocation. I did it because having kids is a huge responsibility and I couldn’t handle the stress of trying to do everything and not do it well.

It’s hard work. So my children became my full-time focus. I definitely felt more relaxed and I established a good routine, but I hardly blossomed into a domestic goddess or reveled in the bliss of fulfilling my divine feminine purpose. Taking care of young kids is a tough physical job and can be lonely and boring. When Liam would go on a business trip in the winter, I’d say “here come snow and sickness.” I’d only leave the house to shovel out the driveway and take my kids to the doctor. It’s not glamorous and it’s definitely not for everyone. Thinking back to that time, I wonder how I ever did it all! (The secret weapon… girlfriends.) Wow, whoever does the caregiving—childcare worker, nanny, grandparent, teacher—deserves the utmost respect.

A step down in status. I didn’t miss my actual job much, but I did miss the prestige that came with the title and influence. I found myself at a loss about how to introduce myself, I’d see people’s eyes glaze over with lack of interest. At times I wondered if I was losing my professional talents and skills in the haze of mommy-dom. As I withdrew from corporate America, my husband’s career flourished. Suddenly he could really focus on his work and it paid off with promotions and growing responsibility. It was an adjustment for both of us, but I felt I could go back to work if/when I wanted to.

I was always more than a mom. I adored my children and took good care of them. I’m especially proud of my ability to make vegetables hilariously appetizing and developing a bedtime story/song routine that was so imaginative and soothing it should have been a PBS special. But even in those early years, when my kids were just tots, I didn’t define myself primarily as a mother and wife. Managing the family was a job I did because it made life easier, but I was still an individual with my own goals and ambitions. Women do not exist only in relation to others!

Time for change. An unexpected bonus of not working was that it gave me an opportunity to rediscover something important—me. When the kids were a little older, I had the time to pursue education and interests that excited me much more than my former business career. I went back to school and got my Masters in Written Communication, started a blog, wrote for several publications, launched an award-winning sex column, led executive training seminars and became Editor of a magazine. I also took up tennis, performed in and directed community theater, joined a women’s philanthropic organization, created a local TV show and sang in a rock band—experiences I loved.

Motherhood is just one stage of life. I’m grateful I pursued new skills and stretched my wings in addition to caring for my kids. Because at 61, my parenting days are well over. Nick and Emma are wonderful, brilliant, independent adults who like to hang out with us, but don’t need much else. Parenting is an important part of life, but it’s temporary. If you over-identify with the role, you’re gonna have a tough time when you inevitably get pink-slipped. Women are the ultimate multi-taskers; we can do many things well all at once. But we can also have a series of very different experiences over the course of our lives. I find the concept of living sequentially very exciting and liberating. This stage of life is completely new, and it’s not based on being a mom.

Choose what’s right for you. My choice to stay home worked well for Liam and me, but I think my kids would have been fine if I had continued working, if that’s what I wanted. Women who have kids should stay home if they want to, are able to and if it makes their lives better. And women who have kids should pursue their careers (or other passions) for exactly the same reasons. I’m certainly grateful my internist, gynecologist and tax accountant do.

If Butker’s wife Isabelle is happy devoting herself to being a wife and mother, good for her. My problem isn’t with her choice, it’s with her husband for 1) speaking for her and 2) having the nerve to tell all women what their choices should be. There’s no “Butkers” about it, women can do anything they decide to do! And promoting outdated, restrictive gender roles is unfair to everyone. I mean, after his football career is finished, Harrison Butker might very well want to become a stay-at-home dad.

I’d fully support that decision.

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Here are a few interesting articles I came across when writing this post:

Katy Perry’s Instagram post that hilariously “fixes” Harrison Butker’s speech to remind girls, grads and gays that they can do anything.

This discussion of the term stay-at-home mom. We’ve moved on from housewife and homemaker, but what title would better describe the complex role?

This soon-to-be released book, The Power Pause by Neha Ruch, which discusses using a career break after kids to regroup and return in a better position professionally.