Don’t Phub the One You Love—a Lesson in Date Night Etiquette

Friday evening, Liam and I were having a drink and a chat on our balcony before dinner. We’ve had a lot going on, and when some text messages pinged on my iPhone, I reached for it and sent a few quick responses. When I looked up, Liam was watching me quietly with a hurt expression.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I just don’t want to miss something important.”

“Like me and our conversation?” he said.

Oh no. I was guilty of what the New York Times calls “phubbing” my husband. Phubbing is a term for phone snubbing and not only is it inexcusably rude, it can be especially harmful to our intimate relationships.

A recent study linked higher levels of phubbing to marital dissatisfaction, and a 2022 study found it can lead to feelings of distrust and ostracism.

Catherine Pearson, New York Times

I felt bad. I hadn’t meant to be inconsiderate, I was trying to take care of things we both needed done. But I could see how off-putting it was for Liam that, during our favorite time of the week to connect, I put my phone first.

I tried to make it up to him. “Look,” I said, “I’m done with the phone for the night. I won’t even take it to dinner. In fact, I won’t take anything to dinner. I’ll be completely focused on you.”

Liam looked skeptical, but perked up slightly. I touched up my lipstick and we headed out to Shaw’s, our favorite seafood joint. As we walked through the city, I felt oddly free without a purse or phone in my hands. “Take a picture of me!” I demanded. This rare occasion had to be documented. We used Liam’s phone, of course.

At Shaw’s, we sat at the bar, leaned cozily together and chatted about the week, the food and the crowd. It was relaxed and fun. I didn’t google anything or take a photo of my oysters or sneak a look at my texts. When Liam went to the men’s room, I had nothing to occupy myself with. I just sat there and looked around. I watched Liam make his way back, and as he approached, he saw me watching and broke into a big grin. I got a little rush for earning that smile. It’s nice to be waited for. It’s nice to have someone looking for you. It’s nice to be seen. It turned out to be a really great evening. Liam thought so too. He even agreed to take this selfie with me.

I can see I’ve been missing a lot of meaningful little moments by being so preoccupied with the details my phone instead of paying attention to my dude. And I care about our relationship—a lot. So no more phubbing my hubby.

If you can relate to this situation, the full New York Times story, below, offers some straightforward solutions, like agreeing to times when you both put the phones away (for us, it’s definitely date night). Phone snubbing is a destructive habit, but with a little effort, you and your partner can turn it around.